Mirror, Mirror On The Wall (ENG)
October 03, 2020
Every waking morning, aside from 15 minutes of stretching or (when not feeling lazy) doing yoga for 30 minutes, the thing that I would certainly do is LOOKING AT THE MIRROR. Usually accompanied with affirmation sentences purposed to "awaken" the mood or spirit that's dim, because the desire to sleep or just to lay back a little bit more are stronger.
I am always thankful for everything I have right now (so if you're a toxic positivity kinda person, you better close this page immediately), arriving at this point is not an easy feat and I am proud with everything I've done. Battle scars said @bumilautlangit. But I can no longer lie to myself, something is missing. There's a void which emptiness deafened my ears. And I don't know what it is.
Conversing with Amirra
Two days ago, I decided to have a chat with Amirra - based on recommendation from bicarakan.id admin via WhatsApp. The registration process, data entering, and payment were all seamless; no obstacles at all. They even offered me an option to pay after the conversation session is over. I have never encountered such service, so I thought it's one of their USPs.
From the initial book for 1 hour conversation flew without any efforts to slip things I don't like into my head. I was happy that I talked to Amirra, I even cried while we were having our session through WhatsApp call. I felt relief. Amirra has a good heart and capabilities that could calm me and she has a good senses of humour. It felt like conversing with my best friend, Mandoy.
Cry 'Till You're Puffy, Then Take a Look In the Mirror
The conversation session ended with Amirra giving several suggestions which I could and be willing to do to overcome the conditions I am currently enduring. Her suggestions were doable, they weren't over the top, weren't typical shrink's suggestions, so I did them well. Written them on my personal journal and need to keep doing it until our next session.
Crying 'till your eyes are puffy is relieving, calming and could contribute to deeper sleep without any dreams. Even when I looked into the mirror, I see no more denials or the need to lie to myself with affirmation sentences which I myself did not really have faith in. When you're tangled, just admit that you are entangled. I think one of the ways of strengthening yourself is by not lying to yourself using affirmation sentences.
Mirror
Try to look at your face, covered in dust but you're not ashamed
Don't blame me, don't tears me into two
Try to look at your body, it's fulfilled but it's deceiving
Don't blame me, don't your crush me
Cobalah coba lihat mukamu, penuh debu tapi kau tak malu
Jangan salahkan aku, jangan kau belah diriku
Cobalah coba lihat tubuhmu, walau berisi tapi menipu
Jangan salahkan aku, jangan kau hancurkan aku
That's what Anindya Ryadinugroho - vocalist of The Telephone (Purwokerto) - said in one of the tracks of "Materialisme, Dialektika dan Logika" (Materials, Dialectics, and Logic) album titled "Cermin" (Mirror). This Noise Pop band from Purwokerto released the album in 2011. They were heavily influenced by Pink Floyd, Sigur Rós, MBV and Sonic Youth. That track reminds me of the process I am enduring currently. However, life goes on. Like it or not, whether you want it or not. Because I make a living for the living, that's why I need to keep going forward.
Since this morning looking at my reflection in the mirror, I no longer said affirmation sentences I did not have faith in anymore. For example, I stopped saying: "Okay, same shit different day, Ga. Wake the fuck up." then I changed it into: "I know you're tired, but it's alright. Just take it slow, OK? The world won't stop revolving if you're not as productive as usual."
Do not enforce things which you knew you don't want to do - or you are not comfortable of doing. If you still feel doubts, take a deep breath for a while and rethink with a clearer head. It's however you want to do it, to each their own. And differences are alright, they're not wrong. You're a human being, not a robot manufactured in the same warehouse with similar machines or algorithms. So, go ahead, become a real human being starting from now.
South Jakarta, 6th September 2020
"Cermin" - The Telephone
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You can read the original post in Bahasa Indonesia here.
Translation by @deanbenitez.
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