Manusia Pandai Beradaptasi, Bukan Berubah

 

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Aku pikir, aku masih akan dibakar oleh api amarah saat akhirnya pengakuan serta kenyataan yang sebenarnya hadir di hadapanku.

Ternyata tidak.

Aku sempat kebingungan mengidentifikasi emosi yang tengah membanjiriku saat itu. Bingung hendak memberikan label apa, dan yang mana. Bukan amarah. Apalagi sedih.

Sampai akhirnya, emosi itu bernama kecewa. Bercampur dengan jijik.

Terhadap kamu.

Dan terlebih, terhadap diriku sendiri.

Aku tidak pernah percaya bahwa manusia berubah. Manusia pandai beradaptasi, bukan berubah.

Apabila perubahan kecil maupun besar terjadi di diri dan hidup mereka, biasanya datang sebuah kesadaran, sepaket lengkap dengan penyesalan, yang lantas menjadi batu bara pendorong utama agar perubahan-perubahan drastis dapat berjalan dan terlaksana sedemikian rupa.

Tapi batu bara hanya menggerakkan mesin. Bukan menggantinya.

Jadi, buatku, manusia itu pandai beradaptasi. Bukan berubah.

Aku butuh waktu hampir dua tahun lamanya untuk belajar memahami bahwa setiap orang yang pernah hadir dan punya peran di hidupku memiliki wajah dan baju zirah yang berbeda-beda. Tergantung kebutuhan manusia tersebut ingin menampilkan apa, dan siapa, di hadapan khalayak ramai.

Manusia yang tadinya, sumpah demi Tuhan, kuagung-agungkan, ternyata gak lebih dari a performative, insecure, yet arrogant human being.

Aku sempat bertarung dengan isi kepalaku sendiri. Dia yang ada di hidupku dulu, versus dia yang sekarang. Yang belum kupahami saat itu adalah apa dan bagaimana ia beradaptasi menjadi segala hal yang sangat kontradiktif terhadap dirinya sendiri.

Sekarang aku paham.

Ia tidak berubah. Ia hanya berganti baju zirah.

Dan aku yang memilih percaya pada baju zirahnya.

Itu jijik yang paling sulit kutelan.

Lantas, tahun ini, aku butuh waktu sekitar tujuh bulan untuk belajar memahami bahwa bara api amarah yang dulu sempat kurawat dan kujaga ternyata bisa lenyap begitu saja. Diganti dengan kecewa dan jijik.

Aku berhasil beradaptasi agar tak lagi dikonsumsi oleh amarahku sendiri.

Manusia pandai beradaptasi, bukan berubah.

Apabila kau tak setuju, ya nggak apa-apa juga. Kita punya pemahaman dan perjalanan hidup yang berbeda.

Buatku, apa pun atau siapa pun yang sudah tak lagi signifikan di hidupku tak layak punya tempat di mana pun. Di kepala, maupun di hatiku. Karena menjadi tidak signifikan sama artinya dengan mereka tak lagi hadir.

Dan tidak penting.

Aku berhasil beradaptasi agar tak lagi berkompromi dengan apa pun atau siapa pun yang tidak signifikan.

Termasuk aku yang dulu.

Manusia pandai beradaptasi, bukan berubah.

Maka beradaptasilah menjadi manusia seutuhnya.

—

Photo owned by Aysenaz Bilgin on Pexels

People Adapt. They Don't Change.

I thought I'd still be burning when the confession finally came. When the truth finally walked in and sat down across from me.

I wasn't.

For a while I couldn't name the thing flooding me. I sat there sorting through it like a clerk handed the wrong forms. Which label. Which one. Not rage. Sure as hell not sadness.

Then it had a name. Disappointment. Mixed with disgust.

At you.

And worse, at me.

The verdict on you came quickly. The verdict on me is still being read.

I never believed people change. People adapt. They don't change.

When something does shift in a person's life, big or small, it usually shows up with a realization, the whole package, regret included. That's the coal. That's what keeps the engine running long enough for the drastic stuff to happen.

But coal only moves the engine. It doesn't replace it.

So for me, people adapt. They don't change.

It took me almost two years to understand that everyone who ever walked into my life and played a part in it wore a different face and a different suit of armor. Depending on what they needed to show. Who they needed to be. In front of the crowd.

The one I used to, I swear to God, worship turned out to be nothing more than a performative, insecure, yet arrogant human being.

I fought my own head over it for a long time. The one who was in my life back then, against the one who exists now. Two people who couldn't possibly have come out of the same body. What I couldn't figure out was how, and into what, they'd adapted themselves, until everything they became contradicted everything they were.

Now I understand.

They didn't change. They just switched armor.

And I was the one who chose to believe in the armor.

That's the disgust that goes down hardest.

Then this year, it took me about seven months to learn that the embers I used to tend, the ones I kept alive and guarded like they were worth something, could just go out. No ceremony. Replaced by disappointment and disgust.

I managed to adapt so my own anger wouldn't eat me alive anymore.

People adapt. They don't change.

If you don't agree, that's fine too. We understood different things. We walked different roads.

For me, anything or anyone that no longer matters in my life doesn't get a room anywhere. Not in my head. Not in my heart. Because not mattering means they're no longer here.

And they're not important.

I managed to adapt so I'd stop making deals with anything or anyone that doesn't matter.

Including the old me.

People adapt. They don't change.

So adapt, then. Into a whole human being.

“Insignificant Other” - Queen of the Stone Age