Two Wounded Systems Colliding, Then Trying To Repair

Gibbs: “So, we’re setting out to find whatever this key unlocks?”

Jack Sparrow: “No. If we don’t have the key, we can’t open whatever we don’t have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever needs to be unlocked, which we don’t have, without first having found the key that unlocks it?”

—

The world has changed fundamentally and substantially over the past six to seven years, and we can still remember what it was like before it changed completely, like today. Besides the wars that are happening locally and internationally, it really isn’t our fault if we find ourselves questioning our life direction, or even our existentialism. Because the ground we’re standing on right now has shaken even more strongly than it used to.

We’ve been building high walls around ourselves, not only to prevent irresponsible people from trying to penetrate or even break through them, but also to protect, bear, and care for our past wounds in a way that we believe no one would or even could understand until someone manages to penetrate and almost break through them. Not only does our faith in ourselves fall, but we also start questioning our own assessment, judgment, and even our “healing” and “regulation” process.

The only question that I will answer with the same answer, in any kind of context, is this:

Q: “What do you want, Ega?”

A: “To be seen, heard, and understood.”

Because for me, based on my experience, that’s how I process everything and everyone. I see them, I hear them, I understand them. Those three things first. Then comes the discernment, the examination, the assessment, the judgment.

And God knows I do those things thoroughly. At some point, I can assess my own feelings toward anything or anyone, like a business plan deck. Is it good enough? Proven to be right? Not always. But I always do it. That’s how I function. That’s how I operate.

And it’s kinda lonely.

It puts an unnecessary deadweight on my chest and mind.

For me, everything needs to have meaning, even though from time to time it should be meaningless, like chasing temporary highs. And I’ve been learning a lot about myself, even more deeply than before. The darkest void, the nastiest thoughts, through the autopilot responses.

I strongly dislike most of it.

But I’m fully aware those are parts of me, parts that were shaped through unfortunate events, poor choices, and stupid mistakes.

Curiosity always provokes me. Usually through the eyes.

When I see something in certain people’s eyes, and it sparks curiosity in me, I prepare myself to dive deep into it. Then I embrace whatever reality comes or presents itself in front of me.

I observe.

I analyze.

I dissect it layer by layer.

Until I understand why they did what they did, and why they said what they said. Intense, yeah?

But don’t get me wrong, I choose carefully which people I’ll deep dive into. And this isn’t a temporary high. This is me trying not only to understand them, but also to understand myself.

I learn so much from people who spark that curiosity in me. Forever grateful for what they show me. Their truest colors.

The more I learn, the more I understand that at some point, this person that I chose and I are just two wounded systems colliding, then trying to repair ourselves. Separately, but together, if that makes sense.

During the process, we can easily slip into projecting onto each other, subconsciously. Past wounds. Inner battles. The things that drive us, that operate us.

So we do what we do. We project onto each other.

Because we see both of our past wounds laid out in front of us, we get scared. But we’re unwilling to admit it. So we let those past wounds and inner battles take over completely.

And then we lose in the challenging dynamic that we still can’t fully describe. Because deep down, both parties want someone who can stand in the storm with us, not someone we have to constantly explain the storm to.

To be seen.

To be heard.

To be understood.

The world has changed fundamentally and substantially over the past six to seven years, and we can still remember what it was like before everything shifted into what it is today. And it has demanded that we change ourselves significantly, too.

Not to be perfect.

But to be better.

Even though the world seems to be crumbling right before our eyes, we owe that better version to ourselves the most.

I’m not even sure where I should navigate myself during this chaotic time. But at least I know which path I should take without shrinking myself. I can compromise when it’s necessary.

That’s why I’m writing this while hanging out in my own void and inevitable loneliness.

“The Journey With You” - Josh D. Lea