Be Your Own Blue-Eyed Boy

 

“I can’t believe I’m hearing these things from you now… you’ve changed. And it’s better changes. You’ve grown so much, I’m proud of you.”

My mum said that two weeks ago, during an almost two-hour phone call. We’ve had a few long calls over the past three weeks, mostly because I didn’t know where else to go or who else to ask, except her and my two best friends. Mum is always my last resort for wisdom, the one I call when I know I’m about to make a huge decision that could impact not only my finances but also my mental well-being.

I didn’t notice my changes; all I knew was that I had adapted to everything in my life since I moved to Ubud. And those changes, those adaptations, were pretty extreme to some extent. Sure, I’d heard the same comments from my best friends, other friends, ex-colleagues, and ex-boyfriend. But never from my mum. And hearing it from her woke something up inside me. Even with doubt creeping in, of course. Who the hell am I anyway? Just a sprinkle of dust on this old, ancient planet we live on.

I’ve met a few new people recently, and they’re awesome, badass, and highly intelligent too. When they shared their stories, they didn’t just tell me about their experiences. They shared their past wounds, their current insecurities, and their future hopes all at once. The energy they brought into my life (and yes, I was the one who gave them access to it) was pure, solid, unshaken. One in a million. They’ve become my “blue-eyed boy.” A person highly regarded, treated with special favor.

Some people from my past also came back for a while, exchanging stories, trying to build new conversations or connections. I’ve answered them when I had the time and energy, because those two things are the most crucial for me now, and I’m not wasting them anymore. From at least three of these conversations, I got the same feedback: “You’ve changed. Weird vibe. You’re not the same person I met years ago.”

When I heard that, I frowned hard, trying to understand not only their words but the nuance behind them. I started dissecting every sentence I said, every gesture I made. Overthinking again. Judging myself again.

So I stepped back. I widened my perspective, literally, by looking at the rice fields in front of my terrace, ready to be planted again. I watched a flock of Kokokan birds flying over, spotted my cat Bella trying to catch one, and saw a pair of squirrels chasing each other up a coconut tree. And that’s when I realized, oh yeah, I’ve changed.

Not only in my state of mind, for whatever’s on my plate that needs focus, but also in how I approach people or situations where I need to set boundaries loud and clear from the start.

Mum told me I’m merciful now. That I still have kindness and compassion for people who need help. But she also said I’m tougher than I ever was in the city.

My siblings said I’ve become spiritual, that I have strong faith in God, and that my principles are still unshaken, non-negotiable.

My best friends said I’m calmer, not hot-headed like before, and somehow my faith in humanity has been restored. They have no idea where that came from.

Some days, hearing that is enough. But other days, I still crave resistance to keep me going, growing, evolving. And those bits of feedback from people who noticed I’d changed? That’s the resistance. Not to trap me in overthinking or self-blame, but to push me into mindfulness. Toward myself first, then to others. Because they’re not the only blue-eyed boy. I am too.

People always tend to hate what they don’t understand: a situation, a circumstance, a tone of voice, a text they read, or even the view in front of them. It usually comes from a place they’ve never seen or explored. That discomfort builds into hate, often unreasonable. And that’s okay. That’s human.

But since we humans are meant to grow and evolve, and I’ve only just started to learn this, why not try turning that discomfort into something bearable at first, before we reach the comfortable phase? Easier said than done, right? Hahahahaha… I know. But for me, we have to grow up and take responsibility for what we feel. No excuses.

Be the blue-eyed boy for yourself first. You are your own first best friend. The more you know yourself, the easier it is to find people who match your frequency. And that growth, that evolving, that will be the comfort you’ll want to keep for life.

Ubud, 24th September 2025

Blue Eyed Boy – Trophy Eyes